Avoid the Icebergs

What are the icebergs in your relationship?...

... and how can you avoid them?  What do I mean by icebergs?  These are the things that risk sinking your relationship when you're sailing through icy waters, the things that break the loving connection between us and make us feel crushed.  Over time, these are the things that make us see our partner in a negative light and lead to the breakdown of our relationship.  

Many couples think they are fighting about childcare and work pressures, or their financial situation, or poor communication, but, according to research, a relationship can survive even the most blazing argument, or unresolved areas of conflict, if the connection and depth of friendship is secure.  Many strong couples manage to overcome the imbalance that comes with starting a family, because it adds new meaning to their relationship.  A lot of successful couples find they can navigate the shallow waters of financial pressures, because they see money problems as a challenge to face together.  People who care for one another make it through the choppy waters of poor communication, because they have a deeper bond, which doesn't rely on eloquence.  Happy relationships can survive the storms of even the fiercest arguments, because they know how to make up.  Stable couples find ways to live with unresolved conflict, knowing that they do not have to change their partner, in order to love them.  

According to Research...

The real icebergs are four characteristics that are very common.  They are criticism and defensiveness, contempt and "stonewalling" or emotional disengagement.  It is dangerous to a relationship when a couple displays these characteristics frequently in their interactions.  They may seem insignificant; haven't we all felt critical and defensive at times, perhaps even a little contemptuous or superior to our partner, or withdrawn and distant?  but beware - these characteristics are the tips of four icebergs that can sink your relationship. Dr John Gottman, whose research over four decades identified these behaviours as deadly to a marriage, calls them the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" because their presence in a relationship predicts divorce more precisely than anything else.  He describes here how they can subtly erode a relationship.  

Want an Amazing Relationship?

Of course, there's more to having a wonderful relationship than simply avoiding the icebergs.  We need to be in tune with our partner.  How can we do that?  By devoting time (at least five hours a week, according to recent studies) to deepening our friendship (asking open questions and remembering the answers is one of the key skills to achieving this) establishing trust and deepening our emotional connection with our partner, through an awareness of  their needs and a positive, giving attitude towards them.   How can we create all these positive characteristics, as well as avoiding the negative ones?  If you're serious about making your relationship amazing, then take part in one of our programmes, or email me Cathy@Licence2Love.com to find out if coaching could help change your love life.  Things can turn around very quickly with the support of a coach who really understands the research and can offer effective tools that are unique to your situation.

Whether you're single or in a relationship, and whether things are pretty awful, or generally good and you'd like them to be even better, the research about what happy and successful couples do can help you have a relationship that's truly amazing.  Ask yourself:

Licence2Love exists to teach skills that will help you connect and create a lifetime of love. Contact Cathy@Licence2Love.com

Coaching can:

* give you confidence meeting new people

* help you find the love you are looking for

* strengthen your relationship

* prepare you for marriage or a long-term commitment

* help you work on relationship challenges

* give you the insight to overcome things that hold you back from the relationship you long for

* help you support your children to have great relationships.

Cathy Garner has more than 12 years' coaching experience and has been studying the art and science of love and communication for more than 10 years.  She draws on four decades of research and wisdom from around the globe and offers practical and inspirational coaching that makes a real difference.  

We offer tools and personalised relationship plans to help you create change in your love life, as well as  individual and couple programmes and coaching, structured to help you develop both the skill set and mind set to create a lifetime of love. Let us know what you are interested in by completing the form below

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Licence to Love is grounded in the latest evidence from four decades of studies on thousands of happy couples, learning what really helps build lasting love. Your coaching sessions will give you a chance to talk about what you want in complete confidence, with someone who can bring new perspectives to your situation.

"Since our coaching sessions, I am finding more enduring fulfilment, with a calmer state of mind."

“[Cathy's coaching] provided me with extremely valuable guidance.”

“You enabled me to learn more about myself and identify potential opportunities for greater success”.

“Your different perspective often sees things much more clearly and simply than they appear from the inside.” 

“You helped me find that little place of calm that I didn’t even know existed.”