Can Conflict Help

You Grow?

Even in the best relationships, challenging situations and conflicts arise.  Sometimes conflicts cause one or other of us so much pain that we avoid them.  They make the relationship feel dangerous and we despair that they will ever be resolved.  So how can conflict help you grow?

Conflict doesn't have to stop you having the relationship you want

When we create a strong, safe bond with each other, our differences can actually become strengths and enrich our lives.  One of the most interesting research findings in recent years, is that 69% of conflicts are never resolved, even in the happiest, most stable relationships! Making your relationship work is not about resolving all the things you and your partner disagree about.  Licence to Love offers a number of approaches to help couples deal with conflict in a way that makes it safe to talk about the issues and gain understanding on each other’s perspectives, whether issues are resolvable or not.  Email Cathy@Licence2Love.com or fill in the form below to request a personalised plan to help you grow through the conflicts in your relationship.

Fight, flight or grow?

When conflicts arise we have one of three choices: we can fight; we can retreat; or we can grow.  The first two options are very common in many, if not most, relationships.  The third choice may take courage and effort, but it’s worth it, because ultimately, only by choosing to grow through conflict, can we achieve intimacy with our partner and joy in our relationship.

Is it possible to wipe the slate clean?

One way to grow, when things go wrong, is to find an effective way to repair the friendship.  That can be an apology that “wipes the slate clean”, The way most of us apologise is the exact opposite of the way we need to apologise if we want to restore harmony to our relationship. We typically say, “I’m sorry BUT…" followed by an excuse or defence of the actions that have upset our partner. “Never ruin an apology with an excuse.” said Benjamin Franklin.  Of course there is always a reason, sometimes a very valid reason why things went wrong, but when we make excuses, we are asking our partner to understand us, before we’ve acknowledged his or her feelings.  Sometimes we say, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you", which is a little better, but there is a way of apologising that can restore trust and hope in the relationship, whatever has gone wrong.  

Make your partner feel felt

When we begin by putting ourselves in our partner's shoes and imagining how our partner feels as a result of our actions we create the possibility to restore the relationship.  So we might say, “I'm so sorry.  You must feel frustrated/hurt/angry [or whatever you sense your partner is feeling] that I… [whatever it was you did]. How are you feeling now?”  When you have listened, really listened, with an open mind and an open heart, without interrupting or becoming distracted, without adding your side of the story, you will begin to feel how your partner feels and when your partner sees their pain on your face, they will "feel felt".  This can totally transform the situation.  It's not easy to do, because you may feel that, in part, your actions were justified, but when you really feel your partner's pain, it creates an atmosphere of openness, and is likely to lead to a conversation during which you can also describe your feelings or the situation that lead to your actions.  This way of apologising allows you to take responsibility for your part in the rift in the relationship, without retreating or abandoning yourself.  Instead it opens the door to mutual understanding.  Research has found that this way of apologising can begin to restore a relationship that has been through some of the worst breaches in trust.  Of course, you also have to follow your apology with actions that show you will be there for your partner in a different way and that next time they won't get hurt.

What if I want to raise a touchy subject?

If there is something wrong, we have a choice: we can avoid bringing it up, in order to keep the peace.  Research has found that issues left unspoken can make us feel silently negative towards our partner and this is becomes toxic to the health of the relationship, as well as dangerous to our health; alternatively we can raise the issue, but if we bring it up in the way we usually do raise it somehow seems to lead to a fight; or we can bring it up skillfully, by learning an approach researchers call the “softened startup”.  The first few minutes of any difficult discussion predict, with 96% certainty, how the rest of the discussion will go - whether the conflict will escalate, remain amicable or even be resolved. One of the most effective ways to raise a contentious issue to ensure it doesn’t escalate into a major issue, one that, over time, could destroy your relationship, is to start gently. Whether it's a small thing or a major issue to you, do not be tempted to make it into a drama.  If you keep issues as small as possible, they are easier to deal with, so talk softly and treat the problem as one that you can explore and solve together.  Check out free stuff for ways to avoid criticising your partner when you want to raise a tricky subject.

Whether whether things are pretty awful in your relationship, or generally good and you'd like them to be even better, the research about what happy and successful couples do can help you have a relationship that's truly amazing.  Ask yourself:

If you are interested in developing a personalised relationship plan to help you create your lifetime of love, contact Cathy@Licence2Love.com

Our programmes, plans and coaching sessions can:

* prepare you for marriage or a long-term commitment

* teach you how to raise difficult subjects skillfully

* transform your ability to understand what's underneath the conflict

* help you wipe the slate clean

* help you work on other relationship challenges

* give you the insight to overcome things that hold you back from the relationship you long for

* help you support your children to have great relationships

* give you confidence meeting new people

* help you find the love you are looking for

* strengthen your relationship.

Cathy Garner has 12 years' coaching experience and has been studying the art and science of love and communication for more than 10 years.  She draws on four decades of research and wisdom from around the globe and offers practical and inspirational coaching that makes a real difference.  

Evidence-based coaching means you don't have to leave your relationship happiness to chance. Our approach is unique in UK and we are excited that we can offer real answers to one of life's greatest challenges; finding a partner, falling in love and creating a lifetime of intimacy.

Gain Partnership Skills 

Avoid the Icebergs 

Turn Conflict Around 

Find Love 

Make Romance Last 

Licence to Love is grounded in the latest evidence from four decades of studies on thousands of happy couples, learning what really helps build lasting love.

Our programmes look at the whole range of partnership skills we need to build a strong and happy relationship - by far the best investment you will ever make in your lifelong happiness.

Coaching sessions will give you a chance to talk about what you want in complete confidence, with someone who can bring new perspectives to your situation.

"Since our coaching sessions, I am finding more enduring fulfilment, with a calmer state of mind."

“[Cathy's coaching] provided me with extremely valuable guidance.”

“You enabled me to learn more about myself and identify potential opportunities for greater success”.

“Your different perspective often sees things much more clearly and simply than they appear from the inside.” 

“You helped me find that little place of calm that I didn’t even know existed”

Cathy@Licence2Love.com