What Is Love? 

The Research Says...

Love is a mystery humans have been trying to solve since time began.  Surprisingly, it is only over the past few decades that researchers have made serious progress towards solving the puzzle.  Here are just a few research findings that can help us all have better relationships.

... Romantic Love is all about Connection

Thousands of studies have helped us gain some real insights into what love is and how to do it.  Dr Sue Johnson, Professor at the University of Ottawa, tells us that the core of a love relationship is emotional connection and support.  At times, every couple fights and loses that sense of closeness with each other, but, if we can tune in to our partner and repair the emotional bond between us,  creating a strong, safe, connection, we will no longer feel isolated and we can create a lifetime of love.  As we learn to depend on one another, we grow strong and resilient. This helps us to realise our dreams and live a life we love. A healthy lifelong relationship, according to Dr Johnson, is about being there for your partner and, when you reach out, knowing they are there for you too.  

...Being Responsive Makes Love Last

Dr John Gottman, Professor of Psychology at the University of Washington, agrees.  Amongst his list of seven key things couples need to do to make love last, being responsive to our partners is one of the most important.  Couples in happy, stable relationships are always aware of each other’s efforts to get their attention and they respond positively (rather than negatively, or simply ignoring their partner, because they're engrossed in their iPad, smart phone, work, game, chore, novel or the children).  

A longitudinal study, observing couples three months after their wedding showed that those who responded positively to each other around 86% of the time were still happily married six years later, whilst those who responded positively only 33% of the time, divorced, on average, six years after their wedding.

If you want Love to Thrive, Don't Criticise or be Defensive, show Contempt or Blank your Partner

Research reveals four “icebergs” to avoid if you don't want your relationship to sink!  Happy partnerships that lasts a lifetime, steer away from criticism, defensiveness, contempt and “stonewalling” (or blanking) your partner.  A study showed that where these attitudes occur frequently in a relationship they can predict divorce with 94% certainty.  The most important thing NOT to do in your relationship, if you want to stay together, according to Dr John Gottman, is to show contempt for your partner, as this is the strongest predictor of a relationship’s demise.  Find out more.

...Loving Your Partner Increases your Child's Intelligence!

Studies show that, if you want to give your children the greatest opportunities academically, socially, emotionally, and even spiritually, as well as having the best chance to have a great relationship of their own in the future, the most effective thing you can do is have a happy, stable, romantic relationship with your partner.  Children of parents in loving, committed relationships are more likely to go on to higher education, are physically and emotionally healthier, and are less likely to be physically or sexually abused, or engage in drug or alcohol abuse.  They have a decreased risk of divorcing when they get married, and are less likely to become pregnant, or get someone else pregnant in their teens. Parents who prioritise their own relationship benefit their children's future more than parents who put all their effort into having a wonderful relationship with their children, but neglect romance. 

...Commitment alone is not enough

A committed, but unloving, relationship can be just as damaging for children as having divorced parents who run down or still fight with their former partners.  Children living in unhappy homes, suffer high blood pressure and stress, have more behavioural problems, lower achievement, higher truancy, peer rejection and aggression.  So an amicable divorce (if that's possible) is healthier for children, than a toxic marriage.  But, if you are both willing to learn partnership skills, and build new habits, that transform your relationship, this is the best thing you can do both for yourselves and for your children.

Be Nice... at least 100 times a day!

If you and your partner share 100 positive interactions each and every day, your relationship will thrive according to studies conducted over a period of four decades by Dr John Gottman.  It's easier than you may think.  Check out our tools in Free Stuff. 

Eight hugs for a happier life

Scientists studying the chemical oxytocin have found that it intensifies the romantic bond between couples, making them more tactile and affectionate, more likely to be monogamous, more trusting, more generous, more moral and more protective of their families.  The flip side is that, if you have a negative experience of someone, oxytocin can strengthen your unpleasant perceptions as well as your positive ones, but in general, people who release more oxytocin are happier because they have better relationships of all kinds.  One of the easiest ways to release oxytocin is to hug your partner.  Dr Paul Zak, the leading researcher of what he calls the “moral molecule” recommends eight hugs a day to improve your relationship, your health and make the world a better place. 

Love Makes You Healthy... 

Research by Louis Verbrugge and James House at the University of Michigan, demonstrates that an unhappy marriage can increase your chances of getting sick by 35% and can even shorten your life by an average of four years!  The physical and emotional stress experienced by people in unhappy relationships can lead to high blood pressure, heart disease, anxiety, depression and a host of physical and psychological conditions.  In a Norwegian study, divorced and never-married male cancer patients had 11 and 16 percent higher mortality rates, respectively, than married men. A UCLA study found that people in generally excellent health were 88 percent more likely to die over the 8-year study period if they were single.  Single men have mortality rates that are 250% higher than married men. Single women have mortality rates that are 50% higher than married women (Ross et all, 1990). Having a spouse can decrease your risk for dying from cancer.  Single people spend longer in the hospital, and have a greater risk of dying after surgery (Goodwin et al, 1987).  Married women are 30% more likely to rate their health as excellent or very good compared to single women, and 40% less likely to rate their health as only fair or poor compared to single women.  Based on life expectancies, nine of ten married men and women alive at age 48 are alive at 65, while only six of ten single men and eight of ten single women make it to 65.  Married men have better immune systems as well (Cohen et al, 1997).  Research by John Gottman has shown that the cummulative effect of positive interactions in a good marriage directly benefits your immune system.  People in happy relationships deploy significantly higher levels of white blood cells when exposed to infection and disease.  Gottman's group has also shown that people in committed, happy relationships have more effective “natural killer cells” that destroy damaged, infected or cancerous cells.  

...Love Can Make You Wealthy

A Virginia Commonwealth University study found that married men earn 22 percent more than their similarly experienced, but single, colleagues.  Married men receive higher performance ratings and faster promotions than bachelors, a 2005 study of U.S. Navy officers reported.  Married people miss work or arrive late less often (Kostiuk and Follman, 1989, and Shaw, 1987). As for women, white married women (without children) earn 4% more and black married women earn 10% more than their single peers (Waite, 1995).  

...Love Can Make You Happy

Married people report lower levels of depression and distress, and 40% say they are very happy with their lives, compared to about 25% of single people. Married people are half as likely to say they are unhappy with their lives.  Married men are half as likely to commit suicide as single men, and one third as likely as divorced men.  Widowed men under 45 are nine times more likely to commit suicide than married men (Smith, Mercy, and Conn, 1988). 

...Love Can Keep You Safe

According to a recent U.S. Department of Justice report, male victims of violent crime are nearly four times more likely to be single than married.  When it comes to violence, wives are five times less likely than single or divorced women to be victims of crime, and husbands are four times less likely (Kellerman, 1994; Bachman, 1994).  

...Love Makes You Sexy

In 2006, researchers reviewed the sexual habits of men in 38 countries and found that in every country, married men have more sex.  About 40% of married people have sex twice a week, compared to 20-25% of single and cohabitating men and women.  Over 40% of married women say their sex life is emotionally and physically satisfying, compared to about 30% of single women. 50% of married men are physically and emotionally content, versus 38% of cohabitating men.

So there are a lot of good reasons to make your relationship as good as it can be! 

Do it today! 

Don’t wait to make your relationship amazing. Dr John Gottman, one of the world’s leading relationship researchers, says that the most powerful thing you can do to improve your relationship instantly is to ask your partner what his or her dreams are and then find a way to honour those dreams.

Research has found that, on average, couples wait almost six years to get help, after they notice there is something not quite right in their relationship.  That’s why we believe coaching is such a great option. 

Licence to Love is Not Therapy

We offer coaching, not counselling, because coaching is for everyone, whether your relationship is fantastic or struggling. Coaching equips you with evidence-based skills that can help you maintain a brilliant connection for the rest of your life, restore the love in your relationship, or build a new loving bond between you, which is why we talk about making your relationship amazing, rather than trying to fix anything.  We will never ask you to reveal anything personal to anyone outside your relationship, so coaching is totally non-intrusive, while still being completely confidential, naturally.  Contact Us to find out how you can have a lifetime of love

If you are interested in developing a personalised relationship plan to help you create your lifetime of love, contact Cathy@Licence2Love.com

However well or badly things are going right now, research has shown that, if you learn to be more responsive, avoid the four icebergs and build strong, affectionate and respectful friendships, your love life can be transformed.   

Our programmes, relationship plans and one-to-one coaching sessions:

* show you how to avoid the four icebergs.

* equip you with the skill of responsive awareness.

* teach you how to raise difficult subjects skillfully

* transform your ability to understand what's underneath the conflict

* help you wipe the slate clean

* give you the insight to overcome things that hold you back from the relationship you long for

* help you support your children to have great relationships

* give you confidence meeting new people

* help you find the love you are looking for

* strengthen your relationship

* prepare you for marriage or a long-term commitment.

* help you work on other relationship challenges.

Cathy@Licence2Love.com

Cathy Garner has 12 years' coaching experience and has been studying the art and science of love and communication for more than 10 years.  She draws on four decades of research and wisdom from around the globe and offers practical and inspirational coaching that makes a real difference.  

Evidence-based coaching means you don't have to leave your relationship happiness to chance. Our approach is unique in UK and we are excited that we can offer real answers to one of life's greatest challenges; finding a partner, falling in love and creating a lifetime of intimacy.

Free Stuff

Gain Partnership Skills 

Avoid the Icebergs 

Turn Conflict Around 

Find Love 

Make Romance Last 

Licence to Love is grounded in the latest evidence from four decades of studies on thousands of happy couples, learning what really helps build lasting love.

Our programmes look at the whole range of partnership skills we need to build a strong and happy relationship - by far the best investment you will ever make in your lifelong happiness.

Coaching sessions give you a chance to talk about what you want in complete confidence, with someone who can bring new perspectives to your situation.

"Since our coaching sessions, I am finding more enduring fulfilment, with a calmer state of mind."

“[Cathy's coaching] provided me with extremely valuable guidance.”

“You enabled me to learn more about myself and identify potential opportunities for greater success”.

“Your different perspective often sees things much more clearly and simply than they appear from the inside.” 

“You helped me find that little place of calm that I didn’t even know existed”

Coaching - because you know your situation better than anyone

Once you know what works in loving, successful relationships, and have learnt the partnership skills you need, you can put those skills and attitudes into action in a way that’s right for you.  You can solve your own problems and ride life’s storms, without thinking that someone outside your situation is better equipped to help.

For a personalised relationship plan, more information on our programmes or one-to-one coaching, email Cathy@Licence2Love.com